The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles. Chapter IVI keep having this dream. There is a football stadium, rested at the foot of a mountain, and filled with an army of players. They form rows and columns of red and blue. Just outside the stadium, in the streets and among the trees, there are even more. There must be ten- thousand of them. At the top of the mountain, there is a giant cross, and standing on the cross is a man. He orders them to march. He's pointing at me. They are coming for me. They are marching for my destruction. MARCH 9, 2. 01. 5. I can't do this. I've decided I can't do the bags anymore. Not this morning, anyway. I pour my scrambled eggs out of the bag; I'll eat straight off the table if I need to. Means. Timmy, you nervous? Tebow. A little, yeah. I'm out of my depth with all this stuff. I don't know anything about legal battles. Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi takes on the hottest issues in sports. There is no denying that Tim Tebow is one of the top sports stories of the year, in part because of the Broncos' turnaround, in part because of his zealous religious. ABOUT TIM TEBOW Timothy Richard Tebow (born August 14, 1987) is an American football quarterback for the Florida Gators. He played quarterback for Nease High School. Tim Tebow is a descendant of Andries Tibout, who emigrated from Bruges in Flanders, Belgium to New Amsterdam (later known as New York City). [13] Tebow's parents. Tim Tebow, Self: Tim Tebow: On a Mission. Regarded by many experts as the greatest player in the history of college football, Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines to. In an interview with The Christian Post, Cosby cracks jokes about Tim Tebow, teaching children morals, and everything in between. Through it all, two things are. Celebrities. The People Who Hate Tim Tebow. On the most (curious, complicated, downright strange) polarizing athlete of our age. It's been a few weeks since my pass bounced off Freddie Mitchell's fingertips and fell into the Ottawa River. We tried running east along the riverbank, just trying to keep eyeballs on it, but we stopped when we realized that we had no idea of how to retrieve the ball if we caught up to it. The water was as cold as it could be without being ice. Our next thought was to find a frozen stretch of the river, wait for it to get stuck against a chunk of ice, and simply pull it out of the water. That meant that both the Argonauts and REDBLACKS had an equal shot at the ball, which was vastly preferable to the alternative of letting it sail all the way down to Ottawa. Canadian citizens are a part of the field in bound- for- street play, and are thereby allowed to touch the ball. Just as we had a strong advantage in Toronto, the REDBLACKS would surely leverage their home field advantage to intercept my pass. We figured that the ice formations were our only real shot. The REDBLACKS recognized this. So they dragged out a whole bunch of dynamite. The were on the other side of the river, and they waved at us. And then they blew the river to Hell. There's just not an answer for that sort of pass coverage. Unobstructed, the ball floated the rest of the way to the REDBLACKS' home turf, where it was picked up by city officials, and that was when we were dealt an extraordinary stroke of luck. Ottawa, of course, is the nation's capitol. Upon learning of the "Argonauts v. REDBLACKS" case, the federal government intervened, and declared that they, and not Ottawa's city government, would issue the ruling. Means. I'm sure the city government would have just given the ball to the REDBLACKS, and that would be that. But the federal government is full of members of Parliament from all over the country. Toronto included, of course. I think we have a very real shot to win possession of this football in court. Tebow. So the Parliament of Canada was just bored? Is it really as simple as that? Means. Yeah. There's just nothing for them to do. Canada solved all its disputes and settled all its problems decades ago. I mean, in terms of its economy, its social policies, its laws .. Volvo. They gave Parliament absolute judicial authority decades ago, because nobody else really wanted it or had any use for it. Tebow. It's just incredible. Means. Yeah. By and large, the only time Parliament actually does get to rule on something, it's because some poor lost Americans wandered up here and manufactured problems. That's our chief export. Problems. Tebow. It's like Canada's the version of America where everything works right. Means. Ha. You know, I try to stay away from the "version of America" thing. It feels presumptuous. Given all they're accomplishing up here, maybe we're the pale imitator of Canada. Tebow. So America's Kroger- brand Canada. Means. Right! They're Captain Crunch, we're Mr. Rhinoceros Pirate or whatever. It's the little things. When you're in another land, without really thinking about it, you really come to miss the little miscellanea that compose your American experience. I love my American teammates up here. Not only because - - but because - - I can crack a Kroger joke. So Nate and I tied our ties, buttoned up our suits, and walked into the House of Commons. And now we are going to complete this reception. Speaker of the House of Commons. If you'll beg our pardon, gentlemen, we already had an item on the docket. Docket? Is that a House of Commons thing, or is that just a word for like a criminal court or something? Tebow. I'm not sure, Speaker. Speaker. Mm. Sorry. It's just been a really long time since we've actually had to do anything, I forgot the right words for stuff. OK, so anyways. We will get to you gentlemen in just a minute. Our first item on the docket is a resolution .. A resolution to elevate our national blackout to stage five."Members of Parliament, if you'll recall, we're presently at stage four of our energy conservation initiatives. For one example, the communications networks in most of our cities have been shut down and replaced with the shoutie networks, which require no electricity. This, of course, is in anticipation of a coming international energy crisis. Stage Five will mandate that all nonessential electrical devices will be shut off for a minimum of 1. The power we save without cars, computers, lights, what have you, will be conserved for emergency services during this period. After this period, we anticipate our solar energy infrastructure to be fully implemented and operational, thereby ushering in a golden age of prosperity. All opposed? Member of Parliament. I'm halfway through Kid Chameleon. Is the Sega Genesis covered under essential services? Speaker. I'm afraid not. MP. Drag. Speaker. Any further objections?. OK. Resolution passes. I'm too nervous to pay attention. I've got a stack of legal documents in front of me. Most of them were prepared by St- Hilaire, the only member of the Argonauts to attend law school. Speaker. The next and final item. Toronto Argonauts v. Ottawa REDBLACKS."So what we have here is, Mr. Tim Tebow threw a pass to Mr. Freddie Mitchell in a bound- for- street CFL game. It deflected off Mr. Mitchell's hands, off a bridge, and into the Ottawa River. The ball can float. Since it has touched neither dry ground, nor the bottom of a riverbed, this was and is a live ball. It is currently in the custody of the Canadian government, which, per CFL rules, is part of the field. REDBLACK. That's correct, Speaker. Speaker. And we in the House of Commons are now to decide whether to award possession of this ball to the Argonauts or the REDBLACKS. This decision will be regarded not as a judicial intervention in a football game, but simply as a force of natural law. Just as, say, gravity or the wind might aid a reception or interception, so shall our ruling. Tebow. Understood. Speaker. Please submit your legal arguments to the court. Everyone knows what can go down in a dogpile. The players scrap for the ball under that heap. It's vicious. There's a punch in the groin, maybe a finger in the eye. This dogpile feels not unlike that, only instead of bodies, I'm obscured by layer upon layer of legal dealings I don't understand. I rise from my seat and bring our documents to the Speaker. It's fifty pages or so, enough to intimidate a layman like myself. But then I look across from me. A REDBLACK is pushing an enormous stack of papers on a moving dolly. In fact, there are a half- dozen players, each of them bringing a mountain of paperwork to the front. By the sheer magnitude of their argument, our case looks like a joke. I am going home. This is over. I close my eyes and see a 3. I'm driving a Camry through a suburb of stucco and mulch, a land without sidewalks .. I turn into a cul- de- sac, the cup tilts over, it's spilling .. Speaker. Lordy, this is a lot to go through. Well, there's Ottawa for you. I will review the REDBLACKS' case first.. My word ... My word! What is this shit? He hastily flips through the REDBLACKS' documents, holding up each one to see as he does. Speaker. They're .. Like half the page is blacked out. Was there a misprint of some sort? Can someone do us all the decency of explaining what the Hell I'm looking at? REDBLACK. No misprint, Speaker. I'd like to take you aside for a moment, reader, if you ever exist at all. You may have noticed that I've been typing "REDBLACKS" in all- caps throughout this story. You see, the Ottawa football franchise was founded in 2. In order for their brand to stand apart, the team made a request to the media: stylize our entire name in upper- case. It's a gauche idea and a completely ridiculous thing to ask of journalists. I'm sure you can find the press release on the Internet somewhere. It's just absurd. I'm only honoring their request in this memoir because I think it's funny. Emboldened by .. themselves, I suppose, the REDBLACKS went even further. In official team documents and correspondence, "REDBLACKS" must be stylized in a 1,0. And that, on this day, is how this Speaker of the House of Commons has found himself with tens of thousands of unnecessary pages, almost none of them readable. Speaker. A thousand- point font. And you did this why? REDBLACK. Gotta protect our brand, m'man. All branding. In today's social media world, you gotta stand out, you gotta engage with people. This is just engagement. Engagement, m'man. Speaker. This isn't engagement, you donkeys. You must have killed a hundred trees for this nonsense. REDBLACK. Well, we want possession. Words cannot properly express how badly, and how dearly, we want to make this interception. We have been knocked all up and down Ontario, giving up turf a thousand yards at a time. As of this moment, the Argonauts have pushed us back to the 3. They are faster and more inventive than we are, and Tim Tebow has emerged as the greatest pure thrower in the history of the CFL. We anticipate that as their American players grow more acclimated to these lands and develop their Northern pith, halting their offensive drive will be impossible. We believe that this may indeed be our last chance to stop them. But you know, this is the age of social media. Gotta protect your brand. Gotta engage. Speaker.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2016
Categories |